Chapter Two
Feelings of Futility
From the time I was a very young boy, I was in search of truth. Like you, I had many questions. I wondered, why I am here? What is my purpose? Is there a God and eternal life? Supposing there is a God, who is He? Does He know who I am? Why did He put me here? Would I ever find the answers to these questions? It seemed I always knew there was more to life than mere existence.
As a teenager, I would watch my dad leave for work late in the evening. My father worked on the Pennsylvania Railroad almost all his life. One particular night, which did not seem dissimilar to any other night, I sat on the grass at the edge of our driveway. I knew it was twenty minutes past ten o’clock when I saw my father backing down the driveway, leaving for work as he had done almost every other night for the past eleven years. Despite the familiarity of the events that evening, I really pondered my questions about life when he backed down the driveway and set off to work.
Somehow, this particular night I concluded there must be more to life than the repetitive tasks and schedule of going to work night after night and sleeping all day, just to support his family and raise my brother and I. The vicious cycle of futility seemed even more absurd if my brother and I were to have no greater purpose either.
I believe these early feelings of discontentment were from the supernatural seed God placed inside me, leading me towards a path back to being one with Him.
In high school we were taught about evolution. We read reports of geological discoveries proving the earth was billions of years old. My high school curriculum varied greatly in comparison with my church upbringing, so I went to my pastor and asked him about the evolution theory, which I had just learned about. Without much of an explanation, he was quick to state my teacher was wrong. He simply told me the Bible said the earth was 6,000 years old; therefore, that was when everything began.
I was very confused with his response. Honestly, it was easier to accept what I was taught at school. They had a very rational explanation of how geologists can now use radiometric dating technology to determine the age of fossils, etc. My pastor’s argument consisted of little more than, “Because the Bible said so.” At this point in my life, I did not even know who wrote the Bible and my pastor’s argument was not very convincing.
My lack of solid belief led to roughly twenty years of spiritual aimlessness. Without any conception of truth or clues providing a searchable direction, my questions of existence faded from my mind. I fell deeper and deeper into sin; finally, I could sink no lower. I was destroying my physical body, as well as my soul. At this low ebb in my life, I knew I desperately needed a savior.
When everything seems to come to an end in the natural and you have nowhere else to turn, the supernatural begins. Always remember, our Lord never leaves nor forsakes us; we are the ones who stray from Him. His love and mercies are incomprehensible and He is always there when we return to Him. Sin has a way of taking us farther than we want to go, but there is always that still small voice way down on the inside that speaks to us and brings us back to God at precisely the exact place where we left Him.